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Springtime

Spring,

traditionally a time of rebirth, of new beginnings. It is fitting then that I started this blogging journey a scant few weeks ago, at the start of spring in my part of the world.

This is all very new to me; blogging, writing prose and most challenging of all, putting myself out there for all to see – way, way outside my comfort zone. And, so far, I’m really having fun.

So, back to Spring. The onset of Spring and the warmth that comes with it coupled with the increased daylight hours has a tendency to lighten one’s mood and start thinking more positively:

Spring Sun on my back,

Brings warmth to the darkest mood.

Soon comes the Summer.

FERGWS

Living in a virtual desert climate, the advent of Spring brings reduced rainfall and so the need to reinstate the garden watering:

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Sprinklers feed the thirsty lawn.

Brown gives way to green.

FERGWS

And finally…

Early promise of days to come,

Strengthening rays of Springtime Sun.

That calls the flora to sprout and bloom

To spread their genes by growth resumed.

FERGWS

P.S. I just couldn’t resist adding this one:

Spring:

The thing that makes birds sing

And flit and twitter and dance on wing

To find a mate to celebrate

The bounteous things that Summer brings.

fergws
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Buzzwords

Corporate speak.

We’ve all at some time or other met that one guy or gal that seems unable avoid throwing corporate buzzwords into their conversation. You know the sport of thing – “Let’s just park that idea for now. We need more blue sky thinking, get a fresh set of eyeballs. You know, really drill down and find the critical path to the best ROI”

I’m not sure why this way of speaking has evolved, maybe they think it makes them sound smart? Well, heads-up people, it doesn’t.

We know the type

That speaks corporate hype,

Of leveraging and synergies,

Paradigms and B2B’s,

Transparency and ownership,

Organic growth and blue chip.

Going forward, circle back,

Ducks in row and back on track.

To all the chaps that talk this way,

Help me out and make my day.

Stop and cease this gibberish

And start to speak in English.

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Tempus Fugit

Time.

Now there’s a huge concept to open with. Is it a real thing or merely a psychological construct to help us get through our humble existence? Debate has raged over this since the dawn of philosophy so feel free to get back to me when you have a definitive answer to that conundrum.

My poor little mind only knows that there’s never enough of it around when I need it!

Time, that most precious commodity,

Slips away silently, unnoticed.

Its pace accelerates at each new hour.

Days, weeks, months pass.

Little changes, save the appearance of a few new wrinkles.

Take time to stop.

Renew.

Flap to a new beat with fresh wings.

Why?

Tempus Fugit, bitches.

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Binary, Homophones and Haiku

Binary.

The number system with only two different digits; 0 and 1. The language of computers.

All information is represented within computers as binary digits (BITS) in some shape or form, whether it be numbers, text or programs.

What has this to do with Haiku or Homophones? Nothing really. But I thought that the Haiku below may make more sense if I provided a (very) brief explanation of what Binary was for those unfamiliar with the concept.

Binary Numbers.

Counting to two is too much.

Bonus Homophone

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The Legend of Marko

Marko

was my friend. His influence pivotal to my introduction to the wonderful lady that would later become my wife. For this, I thank him every day.

The coolest Black and White moggy you could wish to meet. There is little doubt that he was the alpha-cat in our little posse, always alert and on guard. When Marko got his back up, everyone took notice – such as the day he alerted us to the full grown Peacock and Peahen strutting around on our deck.

His first encounter with snake bites almost cost him his life. Two weeks of recouperation brought him back from virtual paralysis to fully functioning Marko, albeit a little more clingy and with significantly more white hair.

He got back to work as soon as able, shooing off the neighbouring rat-dogs and helping keep the local mouse population at manageable levels but did not seem to understand that there was no need to bring the spoils of hunting into the house.

When not suppressing the vermin he would spend much of his time on the couch nuzzled in between my wife and me until the call for bedtime. Then he would sprint to claim his spot at the foot of the bed.

Alas, a few years later he had (we believe) his final encounter with a snake but this time it was fatal. But he did make it home to say his goodbyes.

Some may say he was only a cat but to us he is the legend that was Marko:

A crash in the bush,

A rustle in a tree.

Sublety was not his forte.

Black and white streak through the yard,

pursued by his constant grey shadow.

The watchman over his patch,

Neighbour’s dogs yelp in distress when ushered away,

Unwelcome visitors to his domain.

Loyal friend to his grey compadre,

Rarely seen apart,

Companions to the end.

Fearless hunter brings home his spoils.

Not always welcome prizes.

‘Show me your hands’ before allowed entry.

Ever polite, voices a greeting crossing the threshold.

First to the chamber when bedtime called.

Bravado his undoing,

Tackling snakes a step too far.

Dramatic to the last, was Marko, the Legend.

Fergws

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Homophones

Words that sound the same

but are spelled differently. You all know the classic “to”, “too” and “two”. And possibly the most common and annoying one – “your” and “you’re”, we see this all over the place, especially in social media posts. By the way, don’t make the mistake of politely pointing out this error to anyone lest you become the “grammer (sic) Nazi”. But I digress…

A simple search using your favourite search engine will reveal that there are endless lists of these words available to play with.

So, can we have some fun with these? How about trying to use all of a homophone group in a single phrase..

The key to the Quay

or

Not at night, Sir Knight

or

I won one

or even

In the Inn

So, that was pretty trivial (much like this whole post really) using only two words. What about groups of three? I can think of a couple

They’re on their way there

or

Two days too soon to celebrate

or 

On his way to weigh the whey

The most concise example of a sentence containing three word homophones I have found (in numerous places) is 

There, they’re theirs

That is homophone gold, in my book.

Trawling the Internet, I have only located three legitimate examples of four word homophones. 

  • Paws, pause, pours, pores.
  • Write, rite, right, wright.
  • Yaw, yore, your, you’re.

There many more quoted examples out there but they rely on the use of Proper nouns or regional variations in spelling between say American and British English. Technically, the latter items fit the criteria for Homophones but realistically you’re not very likely to see both variants in the same sentence. For this I have rejected them. I’m the Grammer Nazi, remember?

Whilst clearly not impossible, it is certainly a challenge to construct a valid sentence with any of these four word groups. These are my least clunky attempts (really!):

Outside it pours, there is a slight pause in cleaning whilst the cat pores over its grubby paws.

or

The ship wright will write his last rite, right?

or

In days of yore, yaw meant you’re wandering of your course.

I’m sure there’s better out there so hunt around or better still, have a go yourself.

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A Bit Of Profanity Goes A Long Way

Murphy’s Law.

Most of us are familiar with the premise of Murphy’s Law :

If there are two possible outcomes for a given set of circumstances, the most inconvenient one will prevail.

Or expressed another way :

Whatever can go wrong will go wrong.

Arguably, at the moment of the Murphy Events (or “Life”, as I like to call it) there is a place for a little bit of profanity. For example, that moment at the petrol pump when you realise your wallet is still sat on your bedside table or when you drop your freshly buttered toast onto the floor, sticky side down of course. I believe that should be considered fair use.

According to the great philosopher, @theveryangrymaker on Instagram, the continued occurrence of Murphy Events is referred to as “Fuckery”. Furthermore, he advises that this process is eternal and none of us are immune to its power – as in “The Fuckery never ends”

In tribute to this sage fellow I present the following:

The Fuckery affects us all,
From the very short, to the hugely tall.
As surely as the sun will rise
Calamity will be your prize.
For The Fuckery Never Ends.

When working on your faithful cart
Swearing while you drop the part
A certainty that life will teach:
It always falls just out of reach.
‘Cos The Fuckery Never Ends.

Five minutes past the close of store
Is just the time that you’ll need more
Of just that thing you cannot find
To finish up your daily grind.
Yup, The Fuckery Never Ends.

The toast will fall upon its face
Your keys gone from the normal place
The PC that will update when
Time to wait is not your friend.
So, The Fuckery Never Ends

And so the list goes on and on
Maybe I should write a song?
Certain as this all must seem
I live in hope, I have a dream
That The Fuckery will finally end

A life of graft and drudge and toil
Takes a toll on our mortal coil
And as we take that final breath,
Take our very last steps to death.
That, my friends, is when at last
The Fuckery forever ends.

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Inane Witterings

Picture the scene: you’re really trying to concentrate on an important task but all you hear around you is the noise that makes it seem like you are caught up in a dodgy reality show. Your personal Truman Show, if you will.

Now, you’ll  get where I’m coming from when you read the next composition.

Shut up!
And quit with all the noise.
Shut up!
Your petty voice annoys.
Shut up!
Kardashian’s getting fatter.
Shut up!
Your black cat’s getting blacker!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!

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Procrastination

I seem
to have mastered the fine art of procrastination, in fact it amazes me that I have got off my butt long enough to actually write this blog. Maybe it’s just that – I don’t actually have to get off my butt to do this.

You may recall I very crudely played around with my interpretation of the Haiku a little while back and had fun whilst almost certainly offending the Haiku gods, or whoever is the guardian of that form.

So, today I played some more:

Procrastination

I’ll just check my emails first

Look, new cat vids.

fergws
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The Steel Merchant

Standing in a steel merchant’s warehouse amongst thousands of tonnes of structural steel, I was struck by the ubiquity of this material. You would be hard pressed to stand anywhere populated in most countries and not be able to point at an example of this product – after all, the majority of us move ourselves around in boxes made of the stuff.

I’m amazed at the sheer variety of shapes and sizes available to the average Joe.

Thus, an idea for a rhyme was formed:

Steel in front and
Steel behind.
Steel of every different kind.
Steel with holes and
Steel that’s bent
The list of shapes it never ends;
L’s and I’s and H’s too,
Steel as mesh to see right through.
Steel for fence and roof and porch
To house your kin or car or horse

And when its life has run its course
Is crushed to send it back to source
Reform itself in other ways
To live again another day.